


courage, my love

by alpacas



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, and are platonic soulmates prove me the fuck wrong, but after like the really depressing part, but it's still kind of depressing, missing scene sort of, more during the jeff part, nott and caleb Talk It Out, set during e49 'a game of names'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 07:33:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17935514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alpacas/pseuds/alpacas
Summary: Frumpkin vanishes from Nott's shoulders the moment the door closes. She'd meant to wait or approach it more carefully, but she immediately squeaks out: "Are you mad at me?"





	courage, my love

**Author's Note:**

> i'm of the school that thinks that neither nott or caleb have anything to apologize for after the implosion that was e48, but i DO really want them to have a gross heart to heart. i started this a couple weeks ago, but finished it after the last talks machina and liam's fucking amazing comment that caleb, the ABSOLUTE WEIRDO, likes nott _more_ now that he knows she is a huge fucking liar too. 
> 
> THESE TWO, YOU GUYS.
> 
> it's a bit of a mess but i like it overall! Title from Camera Obscura's [Razzle Dazzle Rose](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krsUdXciVp8):
> 
> _oh, i'm feeling older  
>  courage, my love  
> will make me bolder  
> expecting softness can lead to foolishness  
> when i choose my color, i'll be razzle dazzle rose_

The morning after it all came out, Nott wakes up stiff and cold and alone. Stiff because of the way she'd curled herself into a ball, wedged up where the pillow would normally be: cold because she's unwrapped by blankets and there is no fire: alone because the first time in a long time, Caleb is not snoring beside her.

When she realizes, which is immediate, as soon as the sleep confusion fades away, her whole body goes stiff and she only curls up onto herself more tightly, pushing her mouth against her knee. Stupid. Stupid Nott! You think he's not going to hate you now?

He probably doesn't want to be friends anymore. Not after yesterday. Hi, _Caleb_ , I'm really _not_ a goblin and I lied a lot and the first time you told me what transfiguration wizards do I decided to follow you around, totally selfishly, and you probably — she shouldn't have pushed him. It felt like the right thing to do, it was the right thing to do, but she should have been nicer, gentler, except yesterday she was so scared and so fucking _sober_ and —

They don't even know where Yeza _is_. Luke — she can't, she cannot even allow herself to think of him. How tall he's become, his hair too long, mussed, he's so big, his voice is different, he doesn't know her —

Nott the Brave isn't brave enough to lose Caleb too.

She uncurls herself stiffly, unable to take deep breaths. The room is empty, but Frumpkin is curled up at the foot of the second bed. She blinks at him confused, and the cat, woken by her movement, stretches out slowly, doubling in length, hops over to her bed and climbs up her arm and drapes himself over her shoulder.

Nott isn't sure what she is allowed to read into this. She scratches his nose carefully with one clawed finger and uses _disguise self_ to become a gnome.

Downstairs, the Mighty Nein are eating breakfast around one long table. They recognize her by the cat; they've left the chair next to Jester empty for her. Everyone is solicitous — how are you _feeling_ , are you _doing okay_?

They are all friends, but they are not the type of friends who spend time asking "how are you doing today." Or look at one another with obvious guilt in their eyes.

"I'm doing well, thank you," Nott says stiffly. Two farmhands are having a late breakfast across the room. She's pretty sure she recognizes one of them. Used to see him around town.

They discuss the day's plans: check out those tunnels. Hire soldiers and get Luke out of town. "Do you want to go say goodbye?" Beau asks Nott in an undertone.

Nott looks at her bacon. She has a lot of it this morning, Caduceus, Jester, and Caleb all gave her theirs, but no appetite. Frumpkin still lies purring over her shoulders. "No," she says. An easy, logical decision. The hardest she's made in a long time. She wants to go back to Edith's and hold Luke and steal him away, take him with them — into danger? No. But take him, hold him, never leave his side… for the hour her spell lasts. "You — you all saw. He wasn't… He doesn't remember me. My going won't… it'll just upset and confuse him."

"Don't be stupid," Jester whispers very loudly.

"'Course he remembers you," Beau whispers more quietly.

Fjord nods too, and Nott thinks, unkindly: yeah, but _you all_ have daddy issues. None of you understand. None of you know. It's fine if he forgets me if he's safe. As long as he's happy and alive — she'll do anything. Feel any pain. If she's the thing causing him pain…

She digs her claws into her palms.

"That's fine," says Caduceus evenly, always quick to soothe rising moods. "What matters is we keep him safe."

So Jester offers to go instead, and Beau peels off to hire the soldiers, and the rest of them hang around the inn for a bit. Nott's hour as a gnome comes to a close, and so she decides to wait upstairs rather than immediately recast the spell.

Caleb follows her. She's glad. She's terrified, but she's glad.

In their room, Frumpkin vanishes from Nott's shoulders the moment the door closes. She'd meant to wait or approach it more carefully, but she immediately squeaks out: "Are you mad at me?"

Looking at the floor, facing away.

She hears a couple of footsteps, a soft creak and rustle of bedding as Caleb sits down. Nott thrusts her hand into one of her pockets — not her stuff-carrying pocket or her bolt pocket but the little one she uses for her favorite treasures: two buttons, a nice round stone, a bit of worn fleece, a smooth piece of green glass, her copper wire. It's the last one she reaches for and plays with fretfully, waiting for Caleb to tell her yes.

"I, well, I thought you were the one cross with me," Caleb says at last.

She manages to look as closely as his boots on the floor, curling the wire around her left index finger. "I'm not."

"I — I have told you many times now, I've told you that I would do anything in my power to help you, and instead when you asked I tried to do anything but, I did all that I could to — I wanted very much to turn and run away," Caleb stammers, and she sees his hands clasped together between his knees.

Nott closes her eyes.

She can apologize. She can do that a lot. She can run. She is good at that too. She can stay with the Mighty Nein and forget about it, probably, because what really matters is Yeza and making sure Luke is safe and away and that she can bring Yeza home to him. That's all that really matters. The only thing.

But that isn't true at all.

She wants all that. But she wants her best friend, too.

"Can I… can I do something?" she asks, barely able to form the words, still afraid to look at him. So Nott can't see if he nods or not, and Nott does it anyway.

She casts _disguise self_. Halfling woman. Tanned skin. Round face. Braids, far more tidy than they ever were when Veth was still living. Her long skirt and blouse and smock tidier and cleaner than in life, as if this version of Veth, her imagined version of Veth, was on her way to a formal dinner of some kind, pretty and clean. Oh well. She'd never known how much she loved being Veth until she wasn't.

Caleb is looking at her now. Nott twists her hands.

"This… this is, hi. This is what I used to look like. And I wanted to tell you a long time ago, but… I was afraid." The illusion makes it look like her hands, Veth's hands, are twisting, but Nott can feel her rough skin, the callouses, the sharp hard claws. She plays with her Ring of Water Walking. Twisting it around. Veth has no rings on. "I know you saw me the other day, but … it wasn't how I wanted you to find out."

She's quiet for a moment. "I don't know _how_ I wanted you to find out. To — to be honest, I tried not to think about it at all. Not because I didn't want to tell you, but because… if I told you I'd have to tell you about a lot of other shit, like how I _died_ and I didn't want to bother you. Because actually I'm fine. Most of the time I'm fine. So I didn't want you to think I _wasn't_ fine and get distracted."

"How can you say that?" Caleb asks sharply. "Do you truly, can you possibly truly believe that knowing you had suffered and gone through great pain would be a burden to me?"

She isn't sure what to say. _Yes_ , obviously. Yes, of course it would be. "As long as I knew they were okay, or — felt they were okay, I guess, I really was fine."

"Your husband and son," Caleb says, with a tone of quiet finality.

"Yes. Yeza and Luke." The names are heavy in her mouth; she remember telling Caleb about Yeza, except being too afraid — that somehow he would know, just from ten words, and she'd have to talk about the rest of it: the reason she was no longer home, the way she had died. "I wanted to tell you about them so bad. I really, really did. Luke — Luke, you saw him, he's so smart and he's so handsome, and Yeza… I… for a long time now, I've thought… I thought if for some reason you ever met, you might be friends." Her face, but not Veth's, darkens in a blush. It was a silly wish. A childish one. And yet…

"I didn't think — I didn't think any of this would happen," she mumbles. "I'm so sorry, Caleb."

"I am the one who is sorry," he says. "You suffered and I had not known, and I had not the slightest inkling of it, I am a very selfish person, you know, and I did not realize at all. I said for a long time that I would help you if you asked, and I failed you badly yesterday."

"I mean… I lied to you a lot," Nott says, "so we're probably even."

Caleb chuckles tiredly, humorlessly. He looks at her. Seated on the bed, they're of the same height, almost exactly, and he looks like she feels: tired and guilty and worn thin by anxiety. She watches him as he looks her over, looks Veth over — she tries not to fidget. Not to turn away. She thinks he notices, because his expression softens. "You are a lovely woman," he says.

"I was," she says, her mouth twitching into something more grimace than smile.

"Nott, I have believed for a very long time," he says, pointing at her, jabbing his finger in her direction, "— you are fucking adorable. Whomever you appear as. And your husband is a lucky fellow."

She smiles a little more real, because rather than weird or pervy he sounds like someone's strange old father, and from Caleb she knows he means it. "I didn't do this to fish for compliments," she says, her cheeks green from her blush. Not Veth's.

She drops the illusion.

It used to be when she saw herself in mirrors or water or glass, Nott would start, twist away in revulsion and panic: who is that? What is that I see there? Lately, she feels nothing. No happiness, no affection, she is still hideous and strange. But she knows what she is seeing is herself.

Without the illusion she is skinnier, bonier: Nott has no breasts, no hips, not even a hint of softness in her belly: she is all bone and sinew and green. That's what she misses most: the weight. The softness. She looks down at herself. "I'm not mad at you if you're not mad at me," she says quickly, all a rush.

"I will never be angry at you," Caleb says.

She smiles fretfully. "You sure?"

"And, we will get your husband back, we will find wherever he is and rescue him," Caleb adds.

"I don't — I can't do it alone," she says, shaking her head.

"You won't. The entire force and power of the Mighty Nein are with you, of course, obviously."

"I mean you," Nott corrects in a rush; Caleb looks apt to keep on rambling. "I don't want to do this without you. I can't do it without you, I really can't." He doesn't eat right and is so weak and takes so much care, but he keeps her strong. Keeps at her side and keeps her safe and strong. "I, um, I love you? You know that, right? Because I really do, and I'm really sorry for lying to you and getting mad yesterday. I love you."

It's not hard to say, because it is the truth. It's hard to say, because it's the first time.

" _Ja_ ," Caleb says, his voice thick, and she can tell he's a bit overwhelmed. "That is, ehm, I've lied to you as well, and so we're both liars and I as well…" He doesn't say anything more, not right away —

They're _both_ liars.

She tentatively smiles.

Nott had been scared he hated her, that he saw Veth and realized she was a liar, a different person, a person he didn't like or care about or _want_ to have take care of him and keep him safe and strong. But when she hops up on the bed beside him, he pulls her against him like always, ruffling her hair the way she hates, Frumpkin curling up on her lap, and together they wait to find out how to rescue Nott's husband.


End file.
